Knowing

You know that feeling you get when you don’t know something? Depending on what is lingering around in your mind right now, you may be experiencing good, or bad, vibrations.

  • Good vibes: you don’t know what’s in that Tiffany’s box sitting on your pillow; you don’t know when he is going to pop-the-question, or you don’t know how much your Christmas bonus is going to be this year – and it was a really good year.
  • Bad vibes : you don’t know what the diagnosis is; you don’t know why your friend is avoiding you, or you don’t know if he really is…The One.

The energy vibrations we receive when not knowing, are cues. They lead us towards discovery. Like when we open the Tiffany’s box, then we will know what is in it. There is a chase that is sparked when we don’t know. But what about people? How do we learn how to know people, to trust people, or to align with people?

When I think about knowing someone, I think about my husband, Michael.

I do not know Michael because his mother gave me a big book about who her son is. His brothers did not write to me about his integrity, his best friend did not share about his loyalty, and his grandfather did not get me up to speed on his character. And surely, his ex-wife did not give me the cliff notes on how he loves.

I know Michael because we have journeyed together. We have failed one another, and we practiced forgiveness. We have missed the mark, and we stuck around to practice a better aim.  We have practiced facing grief and pain together. We have practiced being in step with one another. We have practiced vulnerability while we practiced listening. We have practiced our sexuality while also practicing trust.

There is a journey to intimacy – it starts with a WE and it costs an investment of a lifetime.

Don’t be fooled into thinking there is a “fast track” to knowing or that there is a quick route to closeness. Intimacy is not a race. And it is definitely not on a time schedule.  Intimacy is not a destination, but a voyage. You must first purchase a ticket. Then you kinda have to show up. You have to get on the boat and let it take you out beyond the breakers into the unknown.

The key to intimacy is simple: remain in the understanding that you do not understand everything there is to know. The humility that comes out of knowing how much you don’t know has a hollowing effect. It clears a space for depth and growth,  makes room for trial and error. Humility also sparks a curiosity that stirs us to the start of a chase, a chase along a mysterious path that leads us towards a fullness of life we have not experienced…yet!

Some of us have a big book of miraculous mysteries, second-hand stories, and testimonies of faith. Some of us have been reading these stories our whole lives and yet never feel completely connected and sure in our understanding. So we strive. All the time. We strive. We have made it our life’s work to know more. We even stop living, stop exploring and stand still, hoping that this book will tell us more.

The truth is: no book will ever tell us everything we want to know about someone. We have to journey alongside them. Better yet, we get to. We get to go through the adventure of life, alongside them.

Here’s the catch: we must be willing to put down the book, put down the phone, put away the portrait that has been painted – and just be with them.  It’s a hands-free, eye-to-eye knowing. The more we engage in the journey towards knowing someone, the more we will see how much we don’t know. And isn’t that a sweet relief – to discover that we may never arrive at fully knowing? It leaves us with one very great revelation of the journey towards intimacy: enjoy the chase.

 

 

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11

You: divorced.
Me: single mom.

  • Met on the internet.
  • Said I Love You at only 3 months.
  • Did not “wait” until marriage (sorry, Mom).
  • Came together with baggage, hidden issues, messes and selfishness.

 

Eleven years later ::
Deeper.
Stronger.
Authentic.
Lit.

I always believed in Happily Ever After but never dreamed it could be this audacious with such imperfection! As Grace continues to abound between us, and this adventure of LIFE continues to leave us wide-eyed in wonder, my love for you grows more WILD and FREE every day.

Happy Anniversary, mi amore.

XOXOXO

M

Gone

A personal letter from Melinda:

Friends,

For those of you who did not know, we were expecting.  For those who did already know, yesterday I miscarried at 12 1/2 weeks pregnant.

Three months of journaling, gratitude, joy, dreaming and nurture.  Three months of enlarging breasts, swollen belly, nausea, and fatigue, while loving every minute of it.

A few drops of blood lead to a long evening of painful labor.  Passing clots and other debris upon each wave of contraction.

The ultrasound revealed there was never a fetus. There was, however, a fertilized egg that sent my fertile-myrtle uterus into outright baby-ready mode.

You see, she was very eager.

nest2

She reminds of me of those times I’ve quickly cleaned the kitchen, scrubbed the toilet and sweated through a hyper-speed spot mop session, only to find out the company I was preparing for, had to humbly cancel.

All that work.  And for what? I was perfectly fine living in the midst of a filthy house. I was content, until the slightest notion of someone entering my space. And at that point, there was work to do.

You see, my sweet uterus, she was so eager for a guest.

Yet, upon resting after a hurried rigmarole of cleaning house, I take a look around, and smile.  Oh, what a lovely home I have.  Did it really hurt to tidy up a bit? Did it kill me to burst out a  quick sweat  for a dear friend? So then, I sit and rest with a cup of tea, enjoying my space.

Today, here I sit, by a toasty fire, sipping tea; tenderly content. There have been tears. And now, we are comforted and resting in our space.

Three months of nurture have done us well.  Three months of quieting our minds, our thoughts and our life; focusing on purpose and intentional living. Three months of gratefully looking upward with hearts full of thanksgiving. Three months of gratitude have done us well.

For whatever reason – research suggests it may have been chromosomal or a genetic abnormality – the fertilized egg was not authorized by the Creator, to further its development.

Throughout this family’s journey,  we have learned to trust in our Heavenly Father in every aspect of our life.  And so, in this, we trust his halting of this life.  We also trust his deep love for us,  to not have to know why.

I rest my head against His chest today, receiving his comfort and wrapped up in his love.

Peace flows through this family.

Peace rolls through this home.

 

Love,

The Cadwalladers