Can I just birth this bee in my bonnet already?! Somebody?!
You know that last month of pregnancy where you are huge, not sleeping well, annoyed by people, clothes, family and basically the entire world? Where you just want to get this sweet baby out and start living your life again?! Well, here I am.
Yes, I did miscarry at 13 weeks a little over a month ago, but what I have inside me right now, is a birth awaiting. I have been writing a book that was conceived a year ago and this baby is getting close to its due date. The coinciding effects of a pregnancy are most definitely present.
I just want to write this thing, already! I want to stay in my pajamas and write all day. I want to drink coffee for every meal; I want to put on movies for my son that run 6 hours straight. I want to pop lunch in the microwave and pull out cereals for a “help yourself” kind of breakfast, every day. I want to sit on my butt, not exercise, not move, not leave this keyboard until this baby is living and breathing in my lap. I want to caress the covers of this book and flip through the pages, looking at the memories and resemblances. I want to continually tidy up my writing desk and spend quality time with my laptop and book proposal writing guides. I’m in full on nesting mode.
I’m no longer hungry, I’m not even thirsty, I just want to write from morning till night.
Then, I feel guilty so I sit and play games with my family, biding the time until we say goodnight and I can continue to write. I just want my lovely to hurry up and finish so he can feel nurtured and I can get back to writing. I could throw food in a crock pot every morning so I can write all day without worrying about dinner every hour, but preparing for a crock pot meal is even more time-consuming than I have the time to willingly give!
I am no longer raising people, I am managing inconveniences. Ugh.
I have reached the point of no return and hereby give these words an eviction notice.
And so, today, I write; carefully balancing art with life to the best of my abilities at the end of this pregnancy.
On one of the baby websites I used to follow, there was an article listing 15 things that are only excusable in your last month of pregnancy. Things like: wearing stained clothing, eating ice cream out of the carton, making a meal out of Costo samples, avoiding picking things up and not hesitating to ask your partner to do EVERYTHING.
Welp, that about sums it up.
Lovelies, please excuse me if I don’t return your calls or respond to your texts, immediately. I still love you and I cherish my relationship to you, but the bun in this oven is almost done and this mama is a bit verklempt. However, if you are a mama who has birthed her art and know of the writhing in pain of transition, please speak out in your wisdom. You are welcomed, invited to share your experience and understanding. I humbly encourage your voice.
I am thankful for my midwife, Elora Nicole, and the story sisters who doula by my side. I look forward to sending out the birth announcement, and for the daydreams of creating stunning artwork chosen to depict the face of this babe, that I will eventually share with you all, my friends.
For now, I have one small appeal to all of my loves, I would greatly appreciate simple, quiet prayers.
Prayers that cover, prayers that send love, prayers that send rain down and wash the spiders out.
Pray once, pray twice , whatever you like, pray for a week if it makes you feel right.
Could I just ask a simple request of you, loves, that you chat at least once with our Father above?
Ask him to bless this delicate gal – to bring her peace, for I know He shall;
to send down the calm to settle this rise, of passion and purpose afloat in the sky.
To ground her and keep her secure in his graces, so she can write his words and speak to the faces –
that he sets before her, in his will and his time, opening up ears to hear His sounds of which I offer up my chime;
gratitude and thankfulness abound in my heart, thank you for your blessings in my life, and in my art.